Lazy Marketing

I just read the announcement of a new brand position for a famous cycling brand known for its inconsistent approach to capitalization and my immediate thought was, I’m reading The Onion. I won’t shame this brand by name, but will share samples of their overwrought prose: “[Blank] is introducing a powerful new brand position with an inclusive foundation, designed to bring-to-life and directly tie to the depth of its Mission and Values. This positioning will also clearly complement the Brand’s critical efforts around Social Responsibility and a refreshed product line for 2019.”

There’s more: “Here we go” is anchored by one simple, powerful word: Go. Sometimes it’s a word of encouragement. Other times, a call to action. It celebrates the individual, as well as the collective, and elevates riding to much more than a competition. It acts as a rallying cry for all the good that cycling has to offer.” 

To quote The Wire’s Clay Davis, “Sheeeeeeit.”

I’ll offer this anonymous brand some unsolicited and sure-to-be-unheeded advice:

A) Write like a person. 
B) Say it an a way that another person can understand it.
C) “Here we go” is what the lead singer of a shitty band said just before launching into the six terrible songs that drove me out of a club far too early in the evening. It’s what I might say when I want to signal a desire for progress but lack the energy to say anything smart or witty. It’s lazy marketing. 
D) “Go” doesn’t celebrate anything. It’s an instruction. It’s a vague imperative. It’s, you guessed it, lazy marketing.

I know they’re not going to listen. I hope you will.